Just all around confused about my relationship - relationships resolved | Ask MetaFilter
Even if you do so privately, inside your own mind—in the midst of a other, it's natural to feel confused about the relationship once in a while. Sitting on your emotions and letting the confusion fester will be good for no one. So if you find yourself feeling confused about your relationship. Love to hate, hate to love? Well, that's what most people in confused relationships go through. So here are 10 things you can surely relate to!.
She was my best bud, for sure, and we lived together and were great roommates, but I just And started feeling it for other people in a way I hadn't before. We broke up, in not the best possible way, but without a huge massive amount of drama, and it was really the best choice. We mutually agreed to avoid the hell out of one another for six months, and then slowly resumed contact.
This was ten years ago. We're still best buds. But neither one of us, I think, has the least desire for any romance between us anymore. That was the part of our relationship that worked the least well, and dropping it only helped us. Now, this may not be your situation.
You may have other things going on. How's the rest of your life? Still enjoying your hobbies? If not - if everything, not just your relationship, has gone sort of flat, you may want to hold off major life decisions while you sort out your headspace.
But if everything else is cruising along and you're generally feeling happy and fulfilled, then I would encourage you to introspect a bit more about what else was going on in your life and in your head when the yum suddenly turned to yuk. It's unusual for someone to suddenly do a like that. I think you should break up with this lady. She deserves better than some guy who is grossed out about her and the relationship for reasons he doesn't understand.
Best of luck in trying to sort out the reasons behind your sudden change of heart. I can understand why you feel "blindsided" for sure, but I encourage you to work on figuring it out for your own peace of mind and for the sake of future relationships.
Do it now, for the sake of both of you. What you're describing seems so sudden, and the fact that you feel alienated by her family for no reason raises red flags. On the other hand, it also sounds like the relationship has run its course and you've fallen out of love. The bottom line is that she needs to know you feel this way about her as soon as humanly possible. You're describing a pretty intense rejection of her very person that she can probably sense, but doesn't understand.
I think it's normal to be confused about your feelings and try to figure them out, but it's not very fair to take her along with you without a heads-up that things have drastically changed on your end.
You have to let her decide how she wants to deal with that. Life and circumstances change and relationships change accordingly. You don't need a specific reason or a catastrophic event to fall out of love and end a relationship; some relationships just run their course.
I think your relationship with your college girlfriend has run its course. I imagine that would be playing a large role here. The end of the phase opens the possibility for changes all throughout out lives so it stands to reason that you are questioning your relationship and its validity as well.
As others have said, you don't have to hate one another to break up - all relationships have a time limit in some form - and once you realize that a relationship has run its course it's a really good idea to move on before it gets to the hateful stage. I really suggest that you move on from her because it would be awful for her to find out that you've lost all motivation and passion for her if you continue any further - she needs to be able to find a relationship that is built on truth and passion as much as you do.
Or are there things in your life that you've gradually lost a passion for, like hobbies or sports? Best case, you just needed some time to recharge the batteries as it were, although it has been more than a couple months now Perhaps her, the person, has become the tangible target of the anxiety?
You're obviously very anxious about this loss of attraction. Is it really simple loss of attraction that you feel guilty about or have been so confused by your sudden lack of feeling that it has become an ordeal unto itself? I'm having a hard time articulating this but I'll use ED as an analogy: Sometimes the flame of passion just dies out.
Two years into a relationship is not an unusual place for it to die. I don't personally believe this, but there is some literature out there that people in relationships usually go through an actual hormonal shift right around 18 months. This moves passionate love to compassionate love.
You're young; if you want passionate love that's nothing to be ashamed of. You can have it. If compassionate love is unappealing to you in a relationship now you should end things with your girlfriend. I only hesitate because I detect so much anxiety in your question. As soon as you can. Be honest about what you are feeling, and be as gentle as your honesty will allow.
You need time to figure your life out, she needs the courtesy of not being lied to. I can't fathom a situation in which "toughing it out" will be fair or useful for either of you.
Relationships do take hard work, but forcing yourself to still be in love with someone is not the kind of work you should be doing. Fallling out of love does not make you a bad person, but pretending to still be in love crosses the line. As almost always is the case, honesty is the best policy here. If those positive feelings don't return, then you need to tell her. As for an explanation: For many men, the "turn off" can be quick and sudden, just as the ability to love many women at the same time, for a long time.
Please tell me if I'm doing things that are making you unhappy. However, I don't really understand how science types are measuring attraction so I haven't ready closely and can't pull up the key cites. She immediately detected that something was off in me, since day one. At the time, the feelings were so new and so intense that I really didn't know how to articulate them to myself, let alone to her.
I also figured that, considering how great our relationship had been, and with the huge roles we play in each other's life, I owed both of us the courtesy to test the waters and see if perhaps things might improve with time. I know honesty is the best policy--especially at this point--but I'm a proponent of not rocking the boat unless it's really necessary. Like I said, we're both fairly independent and real easy going, and tend to handle our problems on our own. From all I could tell, at the time, this was primarily my problem, and I just needed my time to understand it better, and to fix it.Deciding To End A Relationship
Only recently have I accepted the possibility that breaking might be the solution. But yeah, she's not unaware that my feelings have changed. We've talked about it a number of times, but the conversations haven't helped elucidate anything. I don't think she knows that I've been considering the possibility of breaking up. I think she's convinced it's possibly a matter of depression, or some other external, and fixable, dilemma in my life.
This could be a hormonal issue with your histocompatibility. Has your girlfriend started the Pill recently?
3 Ways to Know When a Relationship Isn’t Right for You
If so, her hormonal profile could have changed to one you find less pheromonally attractive. If that's not the case, I would still say wait it out. It could be depression or even something hormonal with you. You could end up making a decision you ultimately regret. It's only been three months since you started feeling this way, and you have nearly two years of not feeling that way.
It seems like such a sudden change, and that is highly unusual. I'm not sure I'd write it off as the normal waning of limerence. Explore all the physical reasons this might be happening first. If it were me, I would give it at least another three months. Unfortunately we stayed together for another 2 years. Do not do that. If you value the sanity of either of you, find some objective measure to see whether things improve at all and soonrather than hoping feelings will magically change.
It's easy to tell yourself you can wait it out, but if you don't give yourself a deadline up front, you can keep waiting for years in a miserable situation.
Did you have plans to be in the same city before your feelings for her evaporated? Did you make concrete plans for your future together?
Most of the young marrieds I know got married after a year or two of courtship. If not, it sounds like the relationship wasn't and isn't compelling enough to continue.
That's not to say that it isn't a very special relationship or worth attempting to save. It's just that it's probably not the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life, despite the fact that it is a very good one. I had a very similar emotional experience to yours. After graduating from college, I moved away for graduate school without concrete plans for our future. We just assumed that we would always be together, because we worked so well and were so in love with each other.
We grew apart so slowly and stealthily that it was a huge shock when he came to visit and I realized I felt no passion for him anymore. I felt repulsed, as you did. Up until then I'd been a very steady person, but the immense freedom that I experienced after graduating changed me in ways that I could only barely articulate to myself.
I also felt a great deal of pressure to define myself and find my calling. When I asked myself those hard questions, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to be with him for the rest of my life.
The guilt I felt at that was the source of repulsion I felt towards being with and around him. It wasn't that he was any less attractive; it was that I knew it was over and didn't want to face it. We limped along for a few months after that realization, but I fell in love with someone else and broke us up for good.
It was messy and we don't speak anymore. I regret handling things that way; I wish I'd been self-aware enough and strong enough to face facts. It's a tough thing to go through.
Read This If You’re Having Doubts About Your Relationship
It is alluring to the target. Everyone wants to feel needed, and a borderline taps in to this need like no other. Has Adult Temper Tantrums. This is the least becoming trait of the borderline partner.
Hyde comes to mind. It can be very intoxicating and alluring to be in a relationship with one, but the price you tend to pay is your sanity. You usually end up feeling confused and overly-responsible for the other person and the relationship. Self-care is in order. Set Boundaries for Yourself. You will never be able to set boundaries for your loved one. The only way to survive this type of relationship is to set firm boundaries and bottom-line behaviors for yourself.
Some important boundaries include your finances, you sexual relationship with your loved one, and your personal space. Build Healthy Relationships with Others. You need healthy friends to be there for you and validate your reality.
Trying to catch him in the act can be a lifelong pursuit. It will drain you of the energy you need to live a productive and meaningful life.
Let go of your need to find out. If he is the only man for you, examine why that is? You might doubt the fact that the person you love loves you as much as they claim to. You might wonder if you can make it as a couple long-term. Especially in matters of the heart, none of us is all-knowing. Pangs of uncertainty can sprout up for no good reason, tickling your consciousness and begging for attention no matter how unjustified they may be.
On other occasions, your gut may respond to blatant signs of trouble, or to subtle but significant cues.
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However unpleasant the process may be, confronting uncertainty is the only way to return to a point of clarity. You may have reason to doubt your relationship, and you may not. You may choose to do the work to repair whatever aspects of your relationship are broken, or deem the situation a lost cause.